The Lost Cause
The hospital has become all to familiar. It’s exhausting. all you do is worry about your person, offer help, resources and maybe even financial assistance. It appears for the 12th time nothing has changed. They OD again, won’t stay off the substances, find themselves in unfortunate situation after situation. Maybe even continues to find themselves in jail. You’ve done everything you can even with the risk of getting burned again and again. You’re stressed out, can’t keep doing this. Something has to give and it’s seriously affecting you and your mental health too. You are ready to just give up entirely and label them a lost cause. Afterall, they refuse to help themselves and there is nothing more that you can do.
What if I told you that maybe there was another way? I don’t believe that anyone could be a lost cause. It is a label we created because some people just refuse to help themselves and work on bettering themselves and would rather sit in suffering. The saying “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink” comes up because it is true you cannot make anyone change or make them suddenly want to better themselves.
Sometimes people just need a little more time than others. Everyone is different, reacts to situations and pain differently and even develops different coping mechanisms. So it is easy to go through life and judge others and feel that we know what someone else needs and how they need to start living. And this is where things get a little rocky. We forget other people are different, things affect people differently, they cope differently and more often than not on a completely different healing journey or trying to find that path. Learning is different and it is not a one size fits all.
Life is hard. It’s known to literally test your limits and challenges you in ways that push you to your breaking point. It throws things at you that you wouldn’t believe until it is already happening. Life can be incredibly cruel. It takes work, effort and serious growth to be able to see the beauty, the peace and find a purpose.
Our families, loved ones, peers, teachers & authority figures all have something to say. They all have something to show you, tell you what not to do and when you are doing a crappy job at living. How you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to do, how you need to present yourself and love other people. It’s overwhelming really.
Then to add on top of it we have created a fast paced world, we need instant results, quick fixes and keep it cheap because we want our money. It has literally become a chore just to barely survive and take care of yourself. Eating quality healthy food is more and more difficult and expensive. Taking care of yourself is never ending and impossible because something always needs to be priority or taken care of and you have to run and do this and that and work on this. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting. Not to mention money again - we have to work for it. We can’t do anything without money.
Now throw trauma and pain on top of all that. Bullies, dysfunctional families, drama, failed relationships, pure cruelty of other people, horrifying events. It honestly makes sense that people slip and fall. Have trouble finding ways to cope and skate by with bare minimum. Or better yet, constantly fighting the urge to just give up.
The damaging labels and judgements of others make the healing journey that much more difficult and painful. The lost cause. Where through all these struggles everyone else gives up on them, constantly shames them for not being better or doing better and pushes them away. Brutal. There are ways to not only break this cycle but also preserve your own mental health and wellness.
Unconditional positive regard - They already know they need to step it up. They don’t enjoy suffering. They do want to change things. Sometimes it is easier to sit with the suffering because it feels like so much more work and effort to even take the first steps.
Ensuring you don’t contribute to the shame - It’s one thing to disagree with what they are doing and another thing to put it on their character.
Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. - It’s important to maintain your own boundaries. You can still love and care for someone but not maintaining your own boundaries for loved ones only hurts you.
Modeling - perhaps one of the most overlooked. Modeling and showing them rather than lecturing and telling them how to live their lives.
Planting the seeds and watering ever so often - Plant the seeds in their head and then water it and watch it grow. Trying to force a plant to grow isn’t going to make it grow. Planting the seeds, watering it, loving it and caring for it is what makes it grow. It needs to be nurtured with special care.
Unconditional Love - Loving them even through the hardest times, especially when they are feeling the most unlovable
Acceptance - We often don’t want to accept it. We think it is not okay and bad and don’t want to watch them suffer. But to accept them for exactly who they are no matter what is huge.
